Solemn Manda

Back in April, when I was worried I would lose my job, I made a manda to Our Lady of Guadalupe that not only should she save and keep my job for me but also obtain more hours for me that I would save up to make a pilgrimage to her shrine in Mexico City. By the beginning of May, 6 days after I began a 54-day rosary novena, she answered my prayer in full. My job is secure and I got more hours at work. Now I'm saving $20 a paycheck to go to Guadalupe, even if it will take 5 years to save enough money to go on a pilgrimage. To be honest, I wouldn't mind having a sponsor to get to Guadalupe. And as I don't fancy going alone, it will either be with an arranged pilgrimage party or with someone I know to go with me. At least it gives me time to brush up on my Spanish.

A Moment in Time

Hello again! Almost a year since I last posted anything! So much has happened - graduating, getting work, keeping work... Oh, so much to tell! So many journal entries!

Tonight, as I took the dogs out one last time for the night, I found myself gazing upon the mountain, highlighted with the last rays of sunset. As I gazed, I heard His voice - I heard Him calling to me. It was just a moment, but for that moment nothing else existed - nothing else around me mattered. "The mountains are calling, and I must go" was an expression used earlier this year for commercials on TV. But the mountain wasn't calling - God was. I kept going out even after sunset to hear His voice, but for naught. After everything, all this time and what has happened, I had thought we'd grown apart. But we never separated. I may have gone astray from my heart's true love, my very purpose of being like a lost sheep, but He calls to me. And nothing in this world sounds sweeter or more captivating than my Beloved's voice calling me to Him. Speak, Lord, I love to listen to Your voice. See Lord, here I am.

I Once Was Lost But Now I've Found...

Yes, the lyrics to "Amazing Grace," with an obvious twist in the wording. You see, from June of 2005 when I made the decision to leave the convent, already suffering from PTSD, until this summer of 2013, my purpose in life seemed lost. Through those eight years of personal growth and much needed therapy, I regained focus on my vocation to serve by helping people - in general. Not being one with a lot of money, I held fundraisers of all sorts: rosaries for missions, toys for children in poverty, etc. Fortunately, with discernment and guidance through prayer, I found myself working again in the medical field. I recently received my Medical Receptionist certification and currently work with Scribes STAT implementing the new EPIC medical software at Peace Health in Bellingham, WA. But as we are all called to serve, and helping people anyway I can (even and especially when I give away my possessions to someone in need) is my life's focus, I still felt I needed a more specific purpose.

Only this year has it come to light what God made good of my brokenness. My experience at the convent wasn't for naught - in fact, it became a great insight for those still in the convent as to bringing to light serious issues that needed to be addressed, and they were (as far as I know from correspondence with several contacts, including the Mother General of the order). Then, a year or two ago, God brought to light how my pain and suffering didn't just help the sisters I left behind. My recovery and personal/spiritual growth from the pain enabled me to help a dying man with Alzheimer's disease to make peace with his past because he went through a similar experience in the seminary. As much as he talked to his family, even though it progressed to the point that he could no longer recount the exact stories, the sentences and thoughts that came to mind that he shared with me opened a door. I was able to relate to him, to what he had gone through and suffered, in a way NO OTHER PERSON COULD HAVE. To be honest, I didn't connect those dots at the time, but after he died only a month and a half after I met him, God answered my prayer by connecting those dots for me. I was concerned about employment, and I was this man's assistant home care aide (his primary HCA was his wife, a retired Hospice RN). Why did God give me all these temporary jobs when my family and I needed a steady income? It was because God was working through me - I was His tool help people in ways not many other people could.

Again, this has been made evident in the most recent happenings with a relative of mine suffering from Dissociative Identity Disorder (aka Multiple Personality Disorder). Every pain, every emotion - I could relate to her and began to help her where everyone else around her could not even understand. It's the emotional trauma I'm referring to: the despair, the suicidal thoughts, the overwhelming feeling of fear and loneliness despite being with other people... The experience from my disorders became for me a tool to help her when no one else could relate.  While others still consider mental illness a stigma, God turned my problems from stumbling blocks to stepping stones so I could make use of my suffering. "Now I rejoice in my sufferings for you, and I am completing in my flesh what is lacking in Christ's afflictions for His body, that is, the church." (Col. 1:24) If you would have asked me five years ago where I pictured myself, it wasn't doing this. This is God's work - it just happens. I leave myself open to the working of the Holy Spirit to help others anyway I can and this is what God is doing with me BECAUSE of all I've been through! Like any other human being, I cannot predict the future as to what will happen next, but I can testify that God DOES make good come out of evil. I never would have predicted this could've happened, the way I've been able to help other people the way I do. "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me." (Gal. 2:20) What an awesome God we have, who takes care of us in every way to the smallest detail, even numbering the hairs on our heads! Open yourself to the Holy Spirit by giving God control of your life in everything, and watch the wonders He does for those He loves.

The Power of the Miraculous Medal

I have been a member of the Association of the Miraculous Medal (AMM) for over a year now, but it wasn't until recently that I started wearing a miraculous medal. I had received two medals when I first joined the AMM as a perpetual member, but it wasn't until I joined the AMM Monthly Giving Club and received a sterling silver one when I began wearing it regularly. For over 7 years, I have suffered from PTSD, Panic Disorder, and depression. I could not explain - I could not put into words my suffering from the thoughts of despair and pain (even suicidal thoughts) that would plague my waking hours nearly everyday. I found support in prayers, my family, my therapist - but no matter what I tried to get rid of these thoughts or just push them aside away from any consideration the moment they came to me, they would keep coming back.
BUT...
When I began to wear the Miraculous Medal, blessed at the shrine of the AMM, that I began to notice the thoughts were gone - they no longer plagued me. As well as the absence of those thoughts, my whole being - mind, body, and soul - felt uplifted... For the first time in years, I felt like a normal person again. But even more than that: I felt the hope and love of God in and around me. No matter how bad the day had been, I had peace. Not peace in the mere absence of affliction, but a harmony by being in union with God. I had no idea such a blessing would be given to me, and I can't find the words to express my gratitude for it, but praised be Jesus and Mary! So many I know who suffer from similar afflictions I have sent medals and hope they make use of them. I continue to buy Miraculous medals to distribute freely.
AND!
I want those who read this to remember my testimony, for their sake or for the sake of a friend or family member who is suffering. Both the Association of the Miraculous Medal and the Central Association of the Miraculous Medal give a free medal to anyone who wishes to have one. Just go to their websites to sign up for one or to have one mailed to someone in need.

AMM: http://www.amm.org/ (go to the bottom of the page and click the blue medal link)
CAMM: http://www.cammonline.org/index.php?/medal/free-miraculous-medal

Thank you for taking the time to read this and God bless you!

Fighting the Darkness

As soon as I began to type this post, the electricity in my house went off and on like the blitz. I've written before on the power of the rosary as a sacramental, and now I wish to share with you the amazing power of the Miraculous Medal. 
As the history of the medal is committed to my memory and easily found on the Internet, I'll bypass that and relate only what has come to light in my own life regarding the use of the Miraculous Medal. Ever since we owned this house from the time it was built about 16 years ago, we have had some areas within the house which we referred to as dark portals. You would feel very uncomfortable around these portals, and from these areas of darkness certain members of my family experienced supernatural encounters from 'the other side.' Many blessings, holy water, and blessed salt helped to purify these dark areas from our midst, but one room in particular was afflicted. It wasn't until a few weeks ago that I tried something new. In the aforementioned room, I used push pins and placed blessed green scapulars around the room on the walls. There have been no uncomfortable feelings or indications of darkness since. But for some time, I have been fighting with a dark presence in my room that comes and goes. For a while I experienced relief by placing a green scapular on the side table closest to its usual appearance. But it came back, and feeling lost for all things tried - holy water, blessed salt, holy oil, an Agnus Dei, saint relics, etc. - I knew I had to get it out of my room but the question of how remained. Here enters the Miraculous Medal.
I have been a member of the Association of the Miraculous Medal for almost a year now, and recently received my regular newsletter from the AMM about members' stories of the miracles of the Miraculous Medal. I read all kinds of things in the newsletter, but the most moving story was of how one woman was cured very recently with a Miraculous Medal. Although I always had one such medal handy, I hadn't worn one until recently when my metabolic pruritis miraculously subsided. After a year of intense affliction, I could wear my religious medals again around my neck. I noticed that when I wore the little Miraculous medal I had, the darkness shifted away from me if I approached it. After praying, I was giving to understand that this darkness in my room was the demon that afflicted me mentally for almost a decade, and it could no longer afflict me from inside as I now wore the medal. However, that didn't prevent it from trying. Since going into my room at evening time or night was becoming an ordeal, I prayed for help and heard a gentle, peaceful voice tell me to put a blessed Miraculous Medal on my desk. I wondered if it would indeed rid me forever of the demonic darkness as other sacramentals had not worked, but I was determined to try. I found one my mother had kept and placed it on the desk in determined faith. Indeed, it worked! I've not had any problems since; the room is as peaceful as a lovely summer's day.
A friend of mine who is more active than myself in Catholic causes repeatedly has told me the story of how he got a 'New Age' shop to be closed down a little border town of British Columbia, Canada. He was very outspoken against the false religion this shop encouraged and therefore was not welcome around that particular shopping area. But when the sidewalk was being redone and the new concrete was being poured, he had elderly friends that he gave blessed Miraculous Medals to which they dropped into the areas to be cemented and into the cement itself while reciting the rosary. After the new sidewalk was in, that shop closed within a month for lack of business.
These old traditions we have, the old sacramentals of the Miraculous Medal, pictures of the Sacred Heart, scapulars - there are many who think them 'outdated' or just plain unappealing. But wonders will happen if you open your heart to try using sacramentals out of love for God in order to grow closer to Him. Just when you think "that old thing" was a periodic religious fad now replaced by newer devotions like the Divine Mercy chaplet, you're in for a major news update. The news of an amazing miracle from "some old devotion" will cause you to reassess your opinion of such matters, after the words "I didn't know those still worked!" ejaculate from your mouth.

Putting on the Armor of God

It's been a long time since the rites of my investiture as a novice, but some things keep coming back to mind that I'd like to share with you: the symbolism of holy garb. You can read the Bible verse about the armor of God here: http://www.acts17-11.com/armor.html. But while even though experience has taught me that "the habit does not make the nun," there is still the silent testimony to the Gospel in her appearance. While I no longer wear the habit, I do observe specific private devotions.

For instance, in the investiture of a novice, each piece of the habit is symbolically significant in regards to the aforementioned Bible verse (see link). Depending on the order, 'the belt of truth' is a symbol of the virtuous practice of chastity or of all of the vows the nuns take. They silently renew them when they put the belts on every day. The helmet of salvation is the veil - perhaps a bit of a stretch to a lay person, but by a nun wearing a veil, she acknowledges her sharing in the salvific suffering of Christ's body, the Church. The shield of faith, the shoes of the Gospel of peace, and the sword of the Spirit take on different representations depending on the religious order, but more or less along the lines of prayer and the practice of virtues. The breastplate of righteousness depends on the religious order. If the order requires it's professed members to only wear a cross or crucifix, that would be the breastplate. However, if the order requires a full habit with scapular and crucifix like mine did, the scapular would be the breastplate and the cross/crucifix would be the shield of faith. But as it has been a long time, the symbolism of the scapular and cross/crucifix meanings could be reversed.

Why am I posting this? Well, just recently - last Sunday it was - while at Mass I heard God speaking to me to wear the cord of St. Philomena in order to preserve my chastity. And so when I get up in the morning and put it on, I say the required prayer and put it on. It's a simple little prayer, and important to me as I am what you might call a dedicated (but not consecrated) virgin. It goes as follows: "St. Philomena, pray for me to obtain purity of mind and heart which leads to the perfect love of God." And so I have one aspect of religious decorum left, not counting my daily rosary and many chaplets, or the Little Office of the Virgin Mary. If you would like more information, I would recommend this website: http://www.philomena.it/st-philomena-waist-cord-and-scapular-pack-detail.

Why decide to share this with you when I've put my convent days behind me? Perhaps it was the woman in the local Christian store I encountered yesterday who vocalized her disdain for Catholics, not realizing that what she was looking at, an ICTHUS bumper sticker. The ICTHUS was a symbol of the early Christian faith was long established before any church schisms occurred. It saddens me to know how judgemental people are within the Christian faith, no matter what denomination. Perhaps, like my Aunt Sandy and cousin Keal, she had a very bad encounter of people who were professed Catholics. Truth be told, when she saw the decade rosary on my wrist, she went to another part of the store and I really had no idea what to say to her or approach her about her dislike for Catholics or the practice of the Catholic faith. I know the best thing I can do is pray - and do what I love:  teaching people about history. Not just U.S. History which I majored in in university but Christian history as well, especially our early roots and what we have in common. For example, many years ago I had dinner at a friend's house with her family. While I consented to join hands in prayer before the meal (they were Baptists), I made the sign of the cross when we finished. The stepmother asked me why I did that, why Catholics do that? At the time, I could not articulate an answer beyond "that was what I was taught." But did you know making the sign of the cross comes from early Christian practice, an idea stemmed from the New Testament? St. Paul said "We proclaim Christ crucified" and stated "May I never boast except in the cross of Our Lord Jesus Christ." As Christians, we bear witness to Christ by acknowledging our faith in a simple but profound gesture. We profess Christianity by admitting we are weak and need a Savior, and that we are saved through Christ crucified and risen. That is what the cross stands for in Christian doctrine. So, as Christians, go forth and preach Christ crucified, and if necessary, use words (St. Francis of Assisi).

Pondering....

Well, sales in March were ok; things went much better in April. I gave away three items to my parish's "Hidden Treasures" Fundraiser - things that were old stock. I don't know why, but I have this need to have two full pages of items at all times, so when I get a sale, I quickly try to produce something to fill the gap. It's just a hobby - so I'm told.
Things have been very VERY stressful lately: mom had major sinus surgery and contracted a virus while recovering, dad contract job expires in July and we're all wondering where and if the next one will come, Will's health is still off and on... I'm finishing up a 54 day novena of the rosary for the good health and welfare of my family, yet it seems our fates reflect the fluctuation of the stock market - you never know how one day will begin or how it will end.
I know we're in God's hands. I'm trying to pace myself to not let the anxiety get to me, but I'm doing a poor job of it. Heaven help us! Does anyone know the answer to the age-old question "Can I save me from myself?" Jesus, help me to not worry about tomorrow or today - just help me get through it!