Thursday, June 28, 2012

I Have Come to a Decision

A day ago, I went clothes shopping with my mom, as she needed to return some clothes she got for her birthday for a smaller size.  I was very happy that she dropped 2 sizes.  Inside my head, I was scolding myself for how much weight I'd gained since last year.  Well, the past four years but last year was when I gained my obesity 'stature.' When I came home in 2005, I was a size 8 and stayed medium sized through the end of my university studies in 2008.  Now, I weigh just under 225 lbs. at a height of 5'3".  When I was with mom at the store, I tried on some dresses and blouses, only to be disgusted by my reflection in the changing room mirror, that my stomach was swelling past my DD breasts.  When I get sick with some abdominal problem (IBS or flu virus), I eat what tastes good to me and won't make me gag and feel more ill.  In other words, ice cream, pudding, etc.  Now I have had a sit down 'come-to-Jesus' talk with my doctor in March or April that I was teetering on the edge of pre-diabetes.  Well, I got right on the nutritionist's plan of modifying my diet and exercising 3-5 days a week.  But, despite my efforts of not trying to get sick by taking large doses of Vitamin C, I got sick the beginning of June, and despite my little weight loss victory by the end of May, I gained it all back because I gave up dieting and regular exercise.  My stair-stepper and my exercise bike remain untouched, and I'm just trying to get the cravings under control since I ate when I could and wanted to.  That same day we went shopping, we stopped at Shari's for lunch, and a lady more obese than myself at the table behind us aspirated her drink.  I sat praying for her while mom and a few other customers tried to get her to remain calm because she thought she was choking and 911 dispatch wasn't there yet.  She was choking at first, but God be praised, the obstruction dislodged.  I, a former CNA, looked on in fear - I could do the Heimlich maneuver, but she was way, way too big for me to get my arms around her.  She was in her early 50s, I think, and as I prayed for God to spare her because in His eyes she was still young with many things to do with her life, I thought to myself "I have got to change; otherwise, I'll end up like her."  Over the years, I have found that when a problem arises, it is best to just deal with the situation instead of engaging in a barrage of finger-pointing arguments about who or what started the issue.  I was not happy that day, despite mom's efforts to try and cheer me up.  She saw me crying in the store when I tried on the clothes.  Not that we could afford them but because of what I let myself look like - a physical wreck.  Later, when we were home, she told me of a lady's weight loss story on one of her favorite websites, about how every time she fell down on the road to weight loss, she turned to God and prayed to get back up and keep going - to not give up.  From the time mom had told me that, I have felt more assured and confident to face my weight loss struggle.  God has been whispering to me over and over the quote from Proverbs to "trust in the Lord with all your heart."  For the first time in years, I feel content.  I truly do.  I am going to college for technical training, and by God's grace overcome my fear of taking out student loans for fear of debt.  I no longer struggle daily with thoughts of suicide.  That is a major milestone in my life.  I try not to make a big deal of things, but if my family truly knew of how I felt - the significance of overcoming suicidal emotions, how much it means - I'd like to have a party to celebrate it.  I'd even go for a surprise party, and I normally do not like surprises.  But I am a very modest person, and content myself in thanking God for what He has done for me and for the family and friends He has provided me with, who support me so much.  Yes, I could blame my hormones, my human weakness, and especially my fear to do things alone, like take walks or go swimming, but blame changes nothing and only hurts.  So I will whisper back to God to help me get through this, because I do trust in Him....and at my very worst, at least I want to trust in Him.  Praise the Lord, for He is good - His steadfast love endures forever!

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